From Shut Your Fat Fucking Mouth:

All men like blowjobs. Of course there are the ones that lie about how much they love blowjobs because they’d love to let people around them think that they have:

A) some sense of false morals regarding women

B) luv 4 jesus *STAY PURE*

C) I really can’t think of any other reason a guy would lie about blowjobs except for maybe they smell like shit and that makes them nervous to take off their smelly clothes around girls willing to take the downtown train on them.

Either way, I only say this because for the amount of guys that love blowjobs, its sort of hard to find women that really enjoy a good cock in their mouth. Don’t let those greasy pornos fool you, those girls are sucking dick for a purpose. I’m talking about real people who regularly have thoughts like, “you know what would make this spring green salad with balsamic better? a side order of me sucking some guy off.”

When I find women like this however, its safe to say that I will take full control of making sure justice is served and this girl gets all the holy sausage she wants. Sometimes though, it gets a little more out of hand then I expect. Her name was Megin (and yes she spells it like a fucking moron and made a big deal about you knowing that her special name was unique because her stupid fucking mom couldn’t spell Megan, or Meghan, or even Maegan.) and she was what I like to refer to as a “closet whore.” On the surface, a girl like Megin, seemed like the type to pull out some “oral secks iz sew demeening y’all!” card, but as I found out, she was starving for anyone to fill that fat, fucking hole on her face.

After a very heavy night of drinking at a party for some dumb skating club that none of my friends and I were apart of or had any interest in joining, my hammered self decided it would be a swell idea to invite everyone at the party over for the “afterparty” at 4 in the morning which consisted of absolutely nothing. Seemed like a great idea at the time though. Needless to say, people weren’t really over at our place that long, except for that cock hungry demon woman who apparently had it in her mind that she could treat my humble home as the Golden Corral of Cock. I proceeded to head to bed while a few of my compadres crashed on our couches. Little did I know, that lights out meant “GO” to Megin. From the other room I heard someone start spitting which meant one of two things, someone is spitting on my floor or someone is about to give some sort of practiced porn star blowjob on someone in that room. I decided to investigate.

Never before have I walked in on someone slobbering relentlessly at someone’s cock and had them notice me and then continue their actions. While 2 other people were, I assume, just too drunk to give a fuck in their sleeping spots, Megin was going to town on one of my good friends man parts. Since I’m not one to cock block a fellow dude, I just went back to my room. Not even 5 minutes later, as you can probably guess, Whore-gin was sitting on my legs asking me if it was ok if she sucked me off. I had to say no because that’s just rude to let a woman be a whore plus she just had my bro’s dick in her mouth!

As you can probably guess, I took that slut up on the offer and she went through the motions of getting her fix. Now after I’ve released my babies down a girls throat, there are 2 things that I don’t want to do. The first its pretty obvious and its be near your mouth. The second is cuddling. Cuddling most of the time, and especially after splooging, fucking blows and anyone who tells you otherwise is either a girl or a fucking liar who’s not telling his loving girlfriend that he doesn’t want her greasy paws on him because he’s trying to fucking sleep. I explained to her very simply that she got what she wanted and now it was time to not touch me and let me sleep.

By the time I woke up the next day she was already gone, but girls tend to want to exchange numbers which apparently she did on her own. My phone already had a wonderful text from Megin which read, appropriately, “I’m a whore.”

I responded with nothing because all I could think to say was “Shut your fat, fucking mouth.” and that’s not very appropriate is it?

Only in College…

From Benz Billet:

So if anyone is familiar with New Mexico there is not much to do here and the girls are mostly sub-par and very stuck up at best. Well this event started on Friday afternoon, a friend of mine just got transferred from his job to the local mall. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise for both of us. During his afternoon at work he ran into the twins that so happen to bless us with their presence in our sociological theory class. I must digress for a moment back to Thursday. The class is very bland and the teacher is difficult to understand, you know one of those “money saving” professors that shit colleges employ, ya one of those. Anyways we happen to be lucky enough to score the seats right next to the girls and had a healthy door opening conversation about epic parties. Well heading back to the original plot of the story, my friend…lets call him Tyler….was approached by these two stunning females, which is a rare find in the “Land of Entrapment”. Tyler proceeds to tell them our evening plans and invites them over for a nice chill movie night at his place. Later on in the evening Tyler and I are pregaming for the epic events that are about to unfold. The girls arrive just in time for us to have finished out first twelve pack so we are well on our way to “fuckville”. Turns out the twins had the same idea in mind and were well on their way to “praying to the porcelain gods”. With a glisten in our eyes we both new what was going to happen. After a few drinks and blunt the girls brought us, we get the great idea to see who can lay in the freshly fallen snow in Tylers grassy front yard. Well of course four drunken ass holes would have no objection to this and we all head out side. Forgetting about how wet our clothes would become we all dive in and begin this stupid event. Needless-to-say we didn’t last long and all ran inside quickly. In a blink of an eye Tyler and I turn to see the twins undressing rapidly and running off to the master shower. Without skipping a beat, Tyler and I sprint down the hall fighting each other for first place. We ended up destroying these two lovely females and sending them on their way. Lets just say Tuesday was an awkward event until the twins made an epic suggestion…..they want to trade and do it again…..now only if I can remember who I had in the first place..

Only in College do dreams come true.

Only in College…

From Kneehall:

Ah, college. A time for partying, maturing, and growing as a person. Not to mention the binge drinking and the sex. But that was a given. It was going to be my first semester at college outside of the city, which in turn meant, my first time really apart from Louis. We’ve been best friends since we were 14 years old, and had always been there for each other. He was my Wingman, and now that he wasn’t around anymore, I had to handle the game on my own. How hard could it be?

My first college party, was the first weekend I was there. My buddy from one of my classes and I were walking around campus taking a tour for ourselves, when a couple of Frat guys came up to us and asked us if were looking for a party. They gave us the address and told us what time to show up. Needless to say, we didn’t turn this invitation down. We got there around 9 30 or so. We looked around, saw a massive amount of hot Sorority girls, along with 2 kegs. I turned to look at my boy and said, “You better have my back tonight. These girls travel in packs, gonna need your help talking to them.” He seemed to understand what I was talking about, and we proceeded to mingle. Oh how I love the thrill of the hunt.

We walked around a bit, introducing ourselves to the owners of the house, along with other members of the Frat. Now naturally, these Frat guys wanted to get us to pledge to their Frat, but I wasn’t having it. I was only there for the free beer, and the massive amounts of women. I wouldn’t be able to stand being someone’s “Tool” for 9 months. Way too much pride for that. Anyways, it wasn’t long till a familiar scent caught my attention. The smell of daddy issues, and insecurities. I turned my head and tried to investigate where the smell was coming from. A cute little blond girl with a really nice rack caught my attention. She was sitting in the corner of the couch, drinking a beer by herself with a fake smile on. Jackpot!

I went up to the couch, and took the seat next to her. I introduced myself with a joke, and got her attention. I remember her telling me her name, it was something exotic, she was European or something, however, for some reason I can’t seem to remember it at the moment. Might have something to do with the 8 beers I had already drank. Anyways, she seemed really into me, she was laughing at my jokes, touching me while we spoke, and was looking at me with those, “I wanna fuck you upside down” eyes. It was getting late, and she asked me to leave with her. Psht, how could I turn it down?

We got back to her room, climbed onto her bed, and just started going at it. Making out, I started unbuttoning her shirt, undoing her bra, but when I tried to navigate my fingers to the “Garden of Eden”, she freaked out. “Great”, I thought to myself. “Blue Balls.” Turns out she was on her period and couldn’t fuck. Even though she claims she wanted to. Whatever, I’ll settle for a blowjob.

It was mediocre at best, but I came, so I was happy. I got up, and went to the bathroom to clean up. As I was walking out, with my pants still by my ankles I might add, she began walking towards me. She put her hand on my waist, looked me in the eyes and asked if I wanted to sleep over. What is it about girls and wanting their one night stands to sleep over? Do they actually expect to cuddle? Because first of all, I hate cuddling. I’m a man, I need my space while I slumber. Since she was still in her underwear, it was little hard to say “No” right away, so I simply said “Maybe”, as she proceeded to go into the bathroom. I don’t know what it was, maybe the 8 beers I had, or the 4 shots of Tequila that made me do this next, but it just kinda happened. I ran, straight out the door, with my pants still at my ankles. Maybe I should rephrase that. I didn’t actually run, I waddled. It’s almost impossible to run with your pants at your ankles. I waddled straight down the halls, passed the RA’s desk, who might I add was still on duty. She didn’t say anything to me though. Maybe it’s something she’s used to seeing? Or maybe, she was so shocked that she had nothing to say? Whatever it was, she didn’t say a thing to me. I proceeded to run out the door of the dorm building, until I got outside, and felt my solider shrivel up. Yeah, I think it’s time to pull them back up.

I don’t think you can call that a walk of shame, more like a waddle of shame. Whatever you wanna call it, it was cold as fuck. Great start to my first weekend at college I would say.

Only in College…

From Anonymous:

I was a senior in college and it was my last semester so there was alot of parties going on around campus. One night my friends and I went to a frat that one of my guy friends was in. I was playing beer pong against a really hot guy that i had never met before. We started talking and drinking alot and the next thing I know we are drunkenly walking back to my house. We ended up hooking up and it was awesome. The next morning when we woke up he asked me if I could give him a ride home. I said sure and asked him where he lived. He told me he lived with his parents. It turned out the kid was 17 and still in high school. He was at the party because his cousin was in the frat and invited him. I was horrified because at the time I was 22. Needless to say, I’ve made it a point not to take guys home until I know how old they are, even if I have to card them.

Only in College…

From Anonymous:

So it was finals week and a bunch of friends and I were done pretty early so we decided to go out on a random Tuesday night knowing that the bars would be pretty weak. With that in mind, we all get bombed then eventually make it out real late. We get to the bar around 1:30 AM or so, and order up a few tequila shots. An important note: I used to work at this bar but quit b/c the managers were huge tools and I hated it.

Feeling pretty ballsy I tell me buddy to follow me and be the “lookout” while I sneak upstairs to the closed bar (there are 3 floors). As I’m sneaking upstairs one of the bar managers walks out of the bathroom and asks me what the hell I’m doing up here. I told him I had to take a leak b/c the downstairs bathroom was flooded. So while quickly goes downstairs and I go behind the bar and stuff a bottle of Crown Royal down my paints. Getting greedy, I grab a bottle of Jagermeister as well and put that in my sweater.

Since the bottles can easily fall out of my clothing, I decide to lean over and pretend like I’m sick or am about to puke in order to support the booze from falling out. By doing this I simply walked slowly out of the bar and the kicker was one of the doormen helped me out thinking I was about to puke.

…Surely enough we pounded all of the free booze over the next few days, and now I’m even with that bar.

Only in College…

From college2010:

So one night we where having a some what low key party. There was about 15 people and 4 handles. So everyone is pretty much Fucked up! I had to go home around 130, come 1145 and my friend M is saying how I should take a shower to sober up, well I was just buzz not drunk by any means but I said yeah I should. She said hey lets put on bathing suits and take one together, so we ran off in the middle of the party giggling to M’s bedroom. This guy CT we were talking to follows us, we kicked him out so we could change. Then let him back in and we all took a bath then a shower, which consisted of this guy CT saying “I can’t believe this is happening” over and over and over again! So yeah…lets not speak of last Friday night again…or lets just leave out the whole shower make-out section. Just Sayin….

Good times….;)

Only in College…