From Kneehall:

Ah, college. A time for partying, maturing, and growing as a person. Not to mention the binge drinking and the sex. But that was a given. It was going to be my first semester at college outside of the city, which in turn meant, my first time really apart from Louis. We’ve been best friends since we were 14 years old, and had always been there for each other. He was my Wingman, and now that he wasn’t around anymore, I had to handle the game on my own. How hard could it be?

My first college party, was the first weekend I was there. My buddy from one of my classes and I were walking around campus taking a tour for ourselves, when a couple of Frat guys came up to us and asked us if were looking for a party. They gave us the address and told us what time to show up. Needless to say, we didn’t turn this invitation down. We got there around 9 30 or so. We looked around, saw a massive amount of hot Sorority girls, along with 2 kegs. I turned to look at my boy and said, “You better have my back tonight. These girls travel in packs, gonna need your help talking to them.” He seemed to understand what I was talking about, and we proceeded to mingle. Oh how I love the thrill of the hunt.

We walked around a bit, introducing ourselves to the owners of the house, along with other members of the Frat. Now naturally, these Frat guys wanted to get us to pledge to their Frat, but I wasn’t having it. I was only there for the free beer, and the massive amounts of women. I wouldn’t be able to stand being someone’s “Tool” for 9 months. Way too much pride for that. Anyways, it wasn’t long till a familiar scent caught my attention. The smell of daddy issues, and insecurities. I turned my head and tried to investigate where the smell was coming from. A cute little blond girl with a really nice rack caught my attention. She was sitting in the corner of the couch, drinking a beer by herself with a fake smile on. Jackpot!

I went up to the couch, and took the seat next to her. I introduced myself with a joke, and got her attention. I remember her telling me her name, it was something exotic, she was European or something, however, for some reason I can’t seem to remember it at the moment. Might have something to do with the 8 beers I had already drank. Anyways, she seemed really into me, she was laughing at my jokes, touching me while we spoke, and was looking at me with those, “I wanna fuck you upside down” eyes. It was getting late, and she asked me to leave with her. Psht, how could I turn it down?

We got back to her room, climbed onto her bed, and just started going at it. Making out, I started unbuttoning her shirt, undoing her bra, but when I tried to navigate my fingers to the “Garden of Eden”, she freaked out. “Great”, I thought to myself. “Blue Balls.” Turns out she was on her period and couldn’t fuck. Even though she claims she wanted to. Whatever, I’ll settle for a blowjob.

It was mediocre at best, but I came, so I was happy. I got up, and went to the bathroom to clean up. As I was walking out, with my pants still by my ankles I might add, she began walking towards me. She put her hand on my waist, looked me in the eyes and asked if I wanted to sleep over. What is it about girls and wanting their one night stands to sleep over? Do they actually expect to cuddle? Because first of all, I hate cuddling. I’m a man, I need my space while I slumber. Since she was still in her underwear, it was little hard to say “No” right away, so I simply said “Maybe”, as she proceeded to go into the bathroom. I don’t know what it was, maybe the 8 beers I had, or the 4 shots of Tequila that made me do this next, but it just kinda happened. I ran, straight out the door, with my pants still at my ankles. Maybe I should rephrase that. I didn’t actually run, I waddled. It’s almost impossible to run with your pants at your ankles. I waddled straight down the halls, passed the RA’s desk, who might I add was still on duty. She didn’t say anything to me though. Maybe it’s something she’s used to seeing? Or maybe, she was so shocked that she had nothing to say? Whatever it was, she didn’t say a thing to me. I proceeded to run out the door of the dorm building, until I got outside, and felt my solider shrivel up. Yeah, I think it’s time to pull them back up.

I don’t think you can call that a walk of shame, more like a waddle of shame. Whatever you wanna call it, it was cold as fuck. Great start to my first weekend at college I would say.

Only in College…

From Anonymous:

It wasn’t even a month into the start of the school year. It was my first year at a university, and this year will also be my first (again) due to way too much drinking. My school likes to think we like our football games, but in reality we watch about a quarter of the game before heading off to drink. So this day was not unlike all the other game days.

My buddy and I were pre-gaming the game at the ever-so-popular tailgate party. I think we lasted up until half way through the 2nd (which is probably the longest game we have watched) until we decided to go find a party.

We left and first house we got to was having a party, with tons of hot girls sitting around out front and beer pong in the driveway. We paid for the cup and walked to the backyard to be reminded it was mothers weekend also. There was a circle of moms around the keg, and after I was able to down ONE beer, they had already killed the keg. If this wasnt enough to stun me and my friend, the house owner had the balls to ask us for more money if we wanted another keg. After some choice words, we (and later everyone else) left.

We met up with an extremely hot friend of ours and went up the street to a party with her. We spent the afternoon there doing shots, pong, keg stands, and alot more ridiculous stuff. After learning a new game of chugging a full wiffle ball bat full of beer, spinning, and hitting some empty cans into a neighbors pickup truck bed (homerun), I learned of my friends plan to fake RA’s, and bust the freshman.

Being totally trashed my mind was screaming at me that this was a bad idea yet strangely enough my feet liked the idea and were already walking towards the freshman dorm. So I figured if the mind cant control the feet, fuck it. We started at the 18th floor working our way to the 4th (last with rooms). Busting any party we heard. We only had one RA badge so you have to picture 2 completely smashed kids trying to pose as figures of authority. Yet somehow after scaring the shit out of freshman you would be surprised how much alcohol they offer you. So after nearly doubling our alcohol content we decided to leave, and with good timing. Walking the stairwell down we had to explain to a REAL RA and COP that we were just heading out from our friends room (luckily we did know someone there). We learned that they were actually looking for us, guess not all the freshman were laughing about the ordeal.

So we started the long walk to his apartment, and ended up walking stright through another random party. This unattractive girl walking around with two bottles of alcohol offered us a drink. I grabbed the bottle and took a pull from it, then passed it to my bud. I was talking with the girl for a brief second when I looked up and somehow read my friends mind. He was stealing the bottle, and I knew I was stuck being the distraction. I grabbed the girl and made out with her until I saw him turn the corner (It’s not hard to convince yourself to kiss someone when ur this drunk). After a quick “gotta go,” I caught up with him and his new half empty bottle.

By now the sky let loose and the rain started. We were still on our walk to his place while taking pulls from the bottle. Out in the distance there was a door on some stands in the middle of campus. Some makeshift table but we saw bee pong table opportunity so it basically became my new umbrella until we made it to his place.

It’s really confusing when you wake up with a major hangover, a door laying on top of you, a RA badge on your shirt, an empty bottle of some fruity vodka, and a phone message from your own RA (also a friend) saying he had to go to a meeting in the morning about uping security due to fake RA’s going around, and somehow he knew I was involved.

We capped it off with Mcdonalds and Busch light.

Only in College…

From Anonymous:

So I had just moved into my freshman dorm the day before and we had an orientation dance. My friend and I had hitten it off pretty well so we decided to pregame together. This meant drinking half a handle of Senor Jose himself in an hour or so. So we stumbled to the dance and started dancing with random girls. Because nobody knew anyone there, chicks were hooking up with anyone they wanted to.

I hooked up with three girls I was dancing with, then left to take more shots. This made me black out and I found myself in another dorm of the quad doing shots of vodka in the hallway. I walked down the hall and found this girl I had met earlier that day. She told me she was locked out so I told her we could hang out in my room. As we walked down the stairs, she told me she didnt want to have sex becuase she was still a virgin. Next thing I knew the two of us were ass naked in my bed. I didnt have a condom so I threw on a pair of mesh shorts and stumbled down the hall to find one. I walked into the room that now I best friends live in and got one.

So me and this girl proceeded to have sex and then passed out. We woke up the next morning and being the gentleman that I am, I walked her back to her room so she didnt have to do the walk of shame. As we were in her room I asked for my shirt back, and since she didnt have her bra on, I got to see one last glimpse of her tits before I left.

What a great way to start college and to celebrate my **th birthday.

Only in College…

From MiggityMoe:

We got back to campus from the off campus party that had just been busted by the cops. I went up to an apartment where a few of my buddies lived. I had given them a couch that I didn’t have any room for in my apartment. Well one thing lead to another and for some reason these guys didn’t get along with the guys across the hall from them, and they ended up thinking that it would be a good idea to push the couch in question over to the other apartment. Why? I dunno, but that’s what happened.

These two apartments get in a shoving match with this couch. One thing leads to another and some dude comes up the stairs and flips the couch over the balcony. Just as the couch goes crashing 40 feet down to the floor, our RA walks by, and this guy was a total prick. He comes running upstairs, screamin into the apartments for nobody to go anywhere. He was pissed cuz aparently he almost died or somethin. Well he turns his back to the apartment I was in for 30 seconds to yell at the guys across the hall and just as he turned his back, for the second time that evening, I bolted down the stairs, out the front door and didn’t stop running until I had made it back to my own apartment. Then he comes into my buddies’ apartment to take their witness statements.

Now, here’s the real problem, he goes into the apt and the door locks behind him and the doorknob is broken. This guy can’t get out of an apartment full of dudes that hate him. For two hours public safety and locksmiths try to get into this apartment while this guy starts calling everyone he knows on his cell phone and letting them know where he is in case something terrible happens to him. Finally public safety and the locksmiths decide they’re not getting into this apartment the clean way and pull out a sledge hammer and smash the door in, liberating this RA from his own personal hell and making for a hilarious end to by far one of the greatest stories in college history. It was that dude’s fault for being an RA.

Only in College…

From Anonymous:

One night, my friend Kate and I had to work at a fundraising party. we ended up serving this punch all night that tasted like there was nothing in it but I know for a fact that each batch (think cooler size) had 3 bottles of everclear in it, at least. Of course, by the end of the night, we were both so drunk we could barely walk.

I made sure she had a ride home and ended up going to another party, where I passed out. When I got home to my dorm room in the morning, someone had ripped the screen off my window and slept in my bed. I was kinda nervous and really pissed, but I just fell asleep. Later that afternoon, kate called to tell me what had happened. She ended up at home, and in her bed. She sleeps in a tank top and underwear (key fact here). At about 4 in the morning, she woke up on her fire escape on the fourth floor of her dorm. She couldn’t get in the building and had no phone, so she walked across campus in her underwear and broke into my room. I started leaving my windows unlocked all the time after that.

Only in College…

From Anonymous:

A few nights ago, I came back home, was really drunk. To settle my drunkie munchies, I tried cooking a bagel in the microwave and it kind of caught on fire. We have no microwave now thanks to me.

Only in College…

From Anonymous:

Your typical story at the bars. Your typical story of hooking up with someone. However, not your typical morning. I woke up this morning, still intoxicated and grabbed what I thought was my keys. Well, turns out they weren’t mine. We just have the same keychain. I don’t know her, now I have her keys and she has mine. I don’t even really remember what apartment number she lives at.

Only in College…

From Wright 9:

Before heading out one night I had the great idea of getting a subway sandwich to put in the fridge to accommodate my drunken munchies that I was going to get upon returning from a night out. After coming back completely trashed I really didn’t want to eat alone so I roamed the halls, sandwich in hand, and listened for sounds coming from rooms. As luck would have it, the two hottest girls on my floor were still awake, and unfortunately, sober enough to remember everything.

I made my way into their room and creepily asked them both out for sushi, in the same sentence. If that weren’t bad enough I kept going on and on as to how hot they were and how I thought they were each “very nice girls”. At some point they tried to get rid of me because of my drunken buffoonery and I put my sandwich in one of their desk drawers and went across the hall to take a leak in the girls bathroom. When I finished, I realized that they had locked me out. I began pounding on the door (It was now around 3:30AM) and asked them for my sandwich, to which they replied that I took it with me. Eventually I gave up on the sandwich and went to bed.

The next morning I wake up and end up in the elevator with both of them. All they can do is laugh when they see me and ask me when we were going to get sushi (because they both agreed to go out with me to get me out of their room). For the rest of the year I didn’t live this down. Sure was a fun night though.

Only in College…

From Devil:

I’m leaving Duke this year, so I decided to have a good bye party for all my close girlfriends. I (yes, Franzia). I pulled out all the stops to get various drugs. Of course, half of my friends were weenies who only wanted to drink, but I got the other half on stimulants and weed along with the alcohol. Over the course of the night, we drank almost all of the beers and half the box of wine. I didn’t really have a clear plan of what we were going to do, but i’d bought some crayola markers on a whim, and we ended up drawing all over each other. It started out nice and conservative with little messages: ‘I’m going to miss you’ and stuff, but by the end of the night, we were just scrawling obscenities all over each other. I had ‘cunt’ on my inner thigh and ‘fuck buddy’ on my shoulder among many other things.

I also made the rule that you couldn’t come unless you wore ‘weird shit’ and my friends deifnitely took this to heart. I was wearing this really short vintage Mexican style dress that was green with a huge red ruffle. My friend was wearing a swimsuit from the 1950s that had little shorts on it and blue and white polka dots. Two other girls were wearing shirts and sesame street underwear. We were in my dorm, so when we went out to have cigarettes and stuff, we ran into all the sober people, and we were wearing costumes and had writing all over us, which was one of the best parts in my opinion. Over the course of the night, we also managed to have several hikes outside to pee in weird places (sort of a weird tradition with my friends.)

It wasn’t a particualrly big or well-stocked in terms of drugs/alcohol or in-a-bar party, but everyone swore it was the best time we’d had all year. it was good that we all enjoyed it so much b/c crayola marker does not come off very easily, especially multiple layers of it! i ended up just leaving it on for awhile. Plus, the substances in conjunction with the marker did give al my friends at Duke a chance to say goodbye to me and stuff. They made me a huge number of signs with the markers, too, which I bounded into a book. Suffice to say, one was a poem: ‘roses are red, violets are blue, we’ll miss em, and need a new drug connoisseur too!’

Only in College (Duke)…

From Anonymous:

My dad was helping me move in and setting up my new ink cartridges while I was on the floor by my closet putting stuff in drawers. I hid my slutty cop and sexy pink santa outfits in my laptop backpack because thats where I always hide my stuff. My parents know I always put breakable stuff in there and know not to mess with it because I cram everything in all the pockets.

What does my dad do?

He slowly pulls out the santa hat as my jaw drops and I say, “Thats ok, I’ll do it,” and he just mutters “Um, I was just, um, getting your laptop for you, I, um was putting it here.” The man stayed 2 more minutes before leaving me to unpack everything and then came back to give me 10 bucks….

Only in College…

From Anonymous:

The other night, I had a few friends over to pregame before we headed out. I had a Wii, so one of my friends wanted to try Wii Sports. We started playing. We were playing tennis, and then my friend said, “check this out,” and swings her arm and hits the handles (Ketel One and Patron) on the bar table. They immediately shattered on the wooden floor. We “cleaned” up the mess and the pieces of glass.

The next day, I saw my roommate walking funny, I asked him what’s wrong. He replied, “I stepped in pieces of glass, who the f*** broke glass.” I pretended to have absolutely no idea…

Only in College…

From Anonymous:

I went out drinking last night instead of packing. This morning, my parents came up to help me move my stuff out of the dorms. I was taking some stuff down to the car. When I got back, my mom was holding my bong and my stash of marijuana. Oops, I forgot to hide that. I never told them about my smoking habits, but they were not surprised. Instead, my parents made a proposal to me. If I got at least a cumulative of 3.0 this past year, they would continue paying for college but I would need to get a job next school semester. If I don’t, well, they said they will only pay for the tuition, nothing else.

Only in College…