All men like blowjobs. Of course there are the ones that lie about how much they love blowjobs because they’d love to let people around them think that they have:

A) some sense of false morals regarding women

B) luv 4 jesus *STAY PURE*

C) I really can’t think of any other reason a guy would lie about blowjobs except for maybe they smell like shit and that makes them nervous to take off their smelly clothes around girls willing to take the downtown train on them.

Either way, I only say this because for the amount of guys that love blowjobs, its sort of hard to find women that really enjoy a good cock in their mouth. Don’t let those greasy pornos fool you, those girls are sucking dick for a purpose. I’m talking about real people who regularly have thoughts like, “you know what would make this spring green salad with balsamic better? a side order of me sucking some guy off.”

When I find women like this however, its safe to say that I will take full control of making sure justice is served and this girl gets all the holy sausage she wants. Sometimes though, it gets a little more out of hand then I expect. Her name was Megin (and yes she spells it like a fucking moron and made a big deal about you knowing that her special name was unique because her stupid fucking mom couldn’t spell Megan, or Meghan, or even Maegan.) and she was what I like to refer to as a “closet whore.” On the surface, a girl like Megin, seemed like the type to pull out some “oral secks iz sew demeening y’all!” card, but as I found out, she was starving for anyone to fill that fat, fucking hole on her face.

After a very heavy night of drinking at a party for some dumb skating club that none of my friends and I were apart of or had any interest in joining, my hammered self decided it would be a swell idea to invite everyone at the party over for the “afterparty” at 4 in the morning which consisted of absolutely nothing. Seemed like a great idea at the time though. Needless to say, people weren’t really over at our place that long, except for that cock hungry demon woman who apparently had it in her mind that she could treat my humble home as the Golden Corral of Cock. I proceeded to head to bed while a few of my compadres crashed on our couches. Little did I know, that lights out meant “GO” to Megin. From the other room I heard someone start spitting which meant one of two things, someone is spitting on my floor or someone is about to give some sort of practiced porn star blowjob on someone in that room. I decided to investigate.

Never before have I walked in on someone slobbering relentlessly at someone’s cock and had them notice me and then continue their actions. While 2 other people were, I assume, just too drunk to give a fuck in their sleeping spots, Megin was going to town on one of my good friends man parts. Since I’m not one to cock block a fellow dude, I just went back to my room. Not even 5 minutes later, as you can probably guess, Whore-gin was sitting on my legs asking me if it was ok if she sucked me off. I had to say no because that’s just rude to let a woman be a whore plus she just had my bro’s dick in her mouth!

As you can probably guess, I took that slut up on the offer and she went through the motions of getting her fix. Now after I’ve released my babies down a girls throat, there are 2 things that I don’t want to do. The first its pretty obvious and its be near your mouth. The second is cuddling. Cuddling most of the time, and especially after splooging, fucking blows and anyone who tells you otherwise is either a girl or a fucking liar who’s not telling his loving girlfriend that he doesn’t want her greasy paws on him because he’s trying to fucking sleep. I explained to her very simply that she got what she wanted and now it was time to not touch me and let me sleep.

By the time I woke up the next day she was already gone, but girls tend to want to exchange numbers which apparently she did on her own. My phone already had a wonderful text from Megin which read, appropriately, “I’m a whore.”

I responded with nothing because all I could think to say was “Shut your fat, fucking mouth.” and that’s not very appropriate is it?

Only in College…

So if anyone is familiar with New Mexico there is not much to do here and the girls are mostly sub-par and very stuck up at best. Well this event started on Friday afternoon, a friend of mine just got transferred from his job to the local mall. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise for both of us. During his afternoon at work he ran into the twins that so happen to bless us with their presence in our sociological theory class. I must digress for a moment back to Thursday. The class is very bland and the teacher is difficult to understand, you know one of those “money saving” professors that shit colleges employ, ya one of those. Anyways we happen to be lucky enough to score the seats right next to the girls and had a healthy door opening conversation about epic parties. Well heading back to the original plot of the story, my friend…lets call him Tyler….was approached by these two stunning females, which is a rare find in the “Land of Entrapment”. Tyler proceeds to tell them our evening plans and invites them over for a nice chill movie night at his place. Later on in the evening Tyler and I are pregaming for the epic events that are about to unfold. The girls arrive just in time for us to have finished out first twelve pack so we are well on our way to “fuckville”. Turns out the twins had the same idea in mind and were well on their way to “praying to the porcelain gods”. With a glisten in our eyes we both new what was going to happen. After a few drinks and blunt the girls brought us, we get the great idea to see who can lay in the freshly fallen snow in Tylers grassy front yard. Well of course four drunken ass holes would have no objection to this and we all head out side. Forgetting about how wet our clothes would become we all dive in and begin this stupid event. Needless-to-say we didn’t last long and all ran inside quickly. In a blink of an eye Tyler and I turn to see the twins undressing rapidly and running off to the master shower. Without skipping a beat, Tyler and I sprint down the hall fighting each other for first place. We ended up destroying these two lovely females and sending them on their way. Lets just say Tuesday was an awkward event until the twins made an epic suggestion…..they want to trade and do it again…..now only if I can remember who I had in the first place..

Only in College do dreams come true.

Only in College…

Ah, college. A time for partying, maturing, and growing as a person. Not to mention the binge drinking and the sex. But that was a given. It was going to be my first semester at college outside of the city, which in turn meant, my first time really apart from Louis. We’ve been best friends since we were 14 years old, and had always been there for each other. He was my Wingman, and now that he wasn’t around anymore, I had to handle the game on my own. How hard could it be?

My first college party, was the first weekend I was there. My buddy from one of my classes and I were walking around campus taking a tour for ourselves, when a couple of Frat guys came up to us and asked us if were looking for a party. They gave us the address and told us what time to show up. Needless to say, we didn’t turn this invitation down. We got there around 9 30 or so. We looked around, saw a massive amount of hot Sorority girls, along with 2 kegs. I turned to look at my boy and said, “You better have my back tonight. These girls travel in packs, gonna need your help talking to them.” He seemed to understand what I was talking about, and we proceeded to mingle. Oh how I love the thrill of the hunt.

We walked around a bit, introducing ourselves to the owners of the house, along with other members of the Frat. Now naturally, these Frat guys wanted to get us to pledge to their Frat, but I wasn’t having it. I was only there for the free beer, and the massive amounts of women. I wouldn’t be able to stand being someone’s “Tool” for 9 months. Way too much pride for that. Anyways, it wasn’t long till a familiar scent caught my attention. The smell of daddy issues, and insecurities. I turned my head and tried to investigate where the smell was coming from. A cute little blond girl with a really nice rack caught my attention. She was sitting in the corner of the couch, drinking a beer by herself with a fake smile on. Jackpot!

I went up to the couch, and took the seat next to her. I introduced myself with a joke, and got her attention. I remember her telling me her name, it was something exotic, she was European or something, however, for some reason I can’t seem to remember it at the moment. Might have something to do with the 8 beers I had already drank. Anyways, she seemed really into me, she was laughing at my jokes, touching me while we spoke, and was looking at me with those, “I wanna fuck you upside down” eyes. It was getting late, and she asked me to leave with her. Psht, how could I turn it down?

We got back to her room, climbed onto her bed, and just started going at it. Making out, I started unbuttoning her shirt, undoing her bra, but when I tried to navigate my fingers to the “Garden of Eden”, she freaked out. “Great”, I thought to myself. “Blue Balls.” Turns out she was on her period and couldn’t fuck. Even though she claims she wanted to. Whatever, I’ll settle for a blowjob.

It was mediocre at best, but I came, so I was happy. I got up, and went to the bathroom to clean up. As I was walking out, with my pants still by my ankles I might add, she began walking towards me. She put her hand on my waist, looked me in the eyes and asked if I wanted to sleep over. What is it about girls and wanting their one night stands to sleep over? Do they actually expect to cuddle? Because first of all, I hate cuddling. I’m a man, I need my space while I slumber. Since she was still in her underwear, it was little hard to say “No” right away, so I simply said “Maybe”, as she proceeded to go into the bathroom. I don’t know what it was, maybe the 8 beers I had, or the 4 shots of Tequila that made me do this next, but it just kinda happened. I ran, straight out the door, with my pants still at my ankles. Maybe I should rephrase that. I didn’t actually run, I waddled. It’s almost impossible to run with your pants at your ankles. I waddled straight down the halls, passed the RA’s desk, who might I add was still on duty. She didn’t say anything to me though. Maybe it’s something she’s used to seeing? Or maybe, she was so shocked that she had nothing to say? Whatever it was, she didn’t say a thing to me. I proceeded to run out the door of the dorm building, until I got outside, and felt my solider shrivel up. Yeah, I think it’s time to pull them back up.

I don’t think you can call that a walk of shame, more like a waddle of shame. Whatever you wanna call it, it was cold as fuck. Great start to my first weekend at college I would say.

Only in College…

I was a senior in college and it was my last semester so there was alot of parties going on around campus. One night my friends and I went to a frat that one of my guy friends was in. I was playing beer pong against a really hot guy that i had never met before. We started talking and drinking alot and the next thing I know we are drunkenly walking back to my house. We ended up hooking up and it was awesome. The next morning when we woke up he asked me if I could give him a ride home. I said sure and asked him where he lived. He told me he lived with his parents. It turned out the kid was 17 and still in high school. He was at the party because his cousin was in the frat and invited him. I was horrified because at the time I was 22. Needless to say, I’ve made it a point not to take guys home until I know how old they are, even if I have to card them.

Only in College…

So it was finals week and a bunch of friends and I were done pretty early so we decided to go out on a random Tuesday night knowing that the bars would be pretty weak. With that in mind, we all get bombed then eventually make it out real late. We get to the bar around 1:30 AM or so, and order up a few tequila shots. An important note: I used to work at this bar but quit b/c the managers were huge tools and I hated it.

Feeling pretty ballsy I tell me buddy to follow me and be the “lookout” while I sneak upstairs to the closed bar (there are 3 floors). As I’m sneaking upstairs one of the bar managers walks out of the bathroom and asks me what the hell I’m doing up here. I told him I had to take a leak b/c the downstairs bathroom was flooded. So while quickly goes downstairs and I go behind the bar and stuff a bottle of Crown Royal down my paints. Getting greedy, I grab a bottle of Jagermeister as well and put that in my sweater.

Since the bottles can easily fall out of my clothing, I decide to lean over and pretend like I’m sick or am about to puke in order to support the booze from falling out. By doing this I simply walked slowly out of the bar and the kicker was one of the doormen helped me out thinking I was about to puke.

…Surely enough we pounded all of the free booze over the next few days, and now I’m even with that bar.

Only in College…

So one night we where having a some what low key party. There was about 15 people and 4 handles. So everyone is pretty much Fucked up! I had to go home around 130, come 1145 and my friend M is saying how I should take a shower to sober up, well I was just buzz not drunk by any means but I said yeah I should. She said hey lets put on bathing suits and take one together, so we ran off in the middle of the party giggling to M’s bedroom. This guy CT we were talking to follows us, we kicked him out so we could change. Then let him back in and we all took a bath then a shower, which consisted of this guy CT saying “I can’t believe this is happening” over and over and over again! So yeah…lets not speak of last Friday night again…or lets just leave out the whole shower make-out section. Just Sayin….

Good times….;)

Only in College…

We all have that one “guy” in our class. You know, the one who always arrives drunk. Physically there but not mentally. The type of people who show up to class still wearing the clothes that they partied in the night before. Beer stains on his shirt, possible vomit on shoes. Eyes blood shot red, not from the marijuana but the excess alcohol and lack of sleep. In his head he believes he is the master of the spoken english language. However, what comes out of his mouth is something only a foreign monster from Star Wars could relate to. They attempt to finish their work that’s due at the beginning class, at the beginning of class. Ten minutes into it they start to drift off into the oblivion. First comes the heavy head and the droopy eyes. Slowly but surely gravity takes over and they start drifting downwards. Instincts take over. The hand supports the head. Two minutes later the hand slips away, free from its masters tyranny, and the head slams into the desk. I write this from my laptop, in class. Everything written has been a direct result of what this kid to my right is doing. I say this with great pride,

Only in College…

It wasn’t even a month into the start of the school year. It was my first year at a university, and this year will also be my first (again) due to way too much drinking. My school likes to think we like our football games, but in reality we watch about a quarter of the game before heading off to drink. So this day was not unlike all the other game days.

My buddy and I were pre-gaming the game at the ever-so-popular tailgate party. I think we lasted up until half way through the 2nd (which is probably the longest game we have watched) until we decided to go find a party.

We left and first house we got to was having a party, with tons of hot girls sitting around out front and beer pong in the driveway. We paid for the cup and walked to the backyard to be reminded it was mothers weekend also. There was a circle of moms around the keg, and after I was able to down ONE beer, they had already killed the keg. If this wasnt enough to stun me and my friend, the house owner had the balls to ask us for more money if we wanted another keg. After some choice words, we (and later everyone else) left.

We met up with an extremely hot friend of ours and went up the street to a party with her. We spent the afternoon there doing shots, pong, keg stands, and alot more ridiculous stuff. After learning a new game of chugging a full wiffle ball bat full of beer, spinning, and hitting some empty cans into a neighbors pickup truck bed (homerun), I learned of my friends plan to fake RA’s, and bust the freshman.

Being totally trashed my mind was screaming at me that this was a bad idea yet strangely enough my feet liked the idea and were already walking towards the freshman dorm. So I figured if the mind cant control the feet, fuck it. We started at the 18th floor working our way to the 4th (last with rooms). Busting any party we heard. We only had one RA badge so you have to picture 2 completely smashed kids trying to pose as figures of authority. Yet somehow after scaring the shit out of freshman you would be surprised how much alcohol they offer you. So after nearly doubling our alcohol content we decided to leave, and with good timing. Walking the stairwell down we had to explain to a REAL RA and COP that we were just heading out from our friends room (luckily we did know someone there). We learned that they were actually looking for us, guess not all the freshman were laughing about the ordeal.

So we started the long walk to his apartment, and ended up walking stright through another random party. This unattractive girl walking around with two bottles of alcohol offered us a drink. I grabbed the bottle and took a pull from it, then passed it to my bud. I was talking with the girl for a brief second when I looked up and somehow read my friends mind. He was stealing the bottle, and I knew I was stuck being the distraction. I grabbed the girl and made out with her until I saw him turn the corner (It’s not hard to convince yourself to kiss someone when ur this drunk). After a quick “gotta go,” I caught up with him and his new half empty bottle.

By now the sky let loose and the rain started. We were still on our walk to his place while taking pulls from the bottle. Out in the distance there was a door on some stands in the middle of campus. Some makeshift table but we saw bee pong table opportunity so it basically became my new umbrella until we made it to his place.

It’s really confusing when you wake up with a major hangover, a door laying on top of you, a RA badge on your shirt, an empty bottle of some fruity vodka, and a phone message from your own RA (also a friend) saying he had to go to a meeting in the morning about uping security due to fake RA’s going around, and somehow he knew I was involved.

We capped it off with Mcdonalds and Busch light.

Only in College…

Me and a few buddies decided to pile up in one of our friends’ Durango’s for a night of aimless driving. We did all of the usual hooligan activities: ding dong ditched people’s houses, threw stuff on peoples front yards, kicked down garbage cans, and even the occasional ding dong stay. It was a rather comical, yet uneventful night until we found a golden opportunity waiting on the side of a tightly parked street.

Since it was Thursday, it was garbage day in our neighborhood. Like earlier stated, there was garbage lined up on the sides of streets for pickup that we were messing with. Well driving along, we came upon a fairly large, yet light couch someone was tossing. We get out, heave it into the middle of the street, and speed off.

Yeah we thought we were cool.

We then decided to take another drive by to see if it was tampered with, and to our dismay, it wasn’t. We then, being the clever demons we are, decide to wedge the couch between two parked cars to create an impregnable stopping force that is a couch wedged between two parked cars. (It looked like an H if you were looking from above, for a visual)

There was only one thing left to do, sit and wait. About five minutes pass and nothing happens. We then decided, another five minutes and were gone, this street seems to be dead. I wasn’t even able to finish my sentence when a car pulls up on the opposite side of us, and just stares into the wall of eternal couch fortitude. We get a good laugh until we realize who’s coming up on the other side of the couch, our side; A police cruiser. While our laugh subsides and the cop gets outside with his maglite to check what he deems to be the next coming of Christ, my buddy turns the engine on, pulls into the closest driveway he can back into, and guns it in the opposite direction of the carnage we created. We had to of drove 15 minutes away before we thought we were finally in the clear.

Only in College…

My friend and her cousin decided to plan a trip up to Penn State for the weekend. They brought two guys and me. We wake up Saturday and beginning drinking around noon, while this was happening my friends cousin… lets call her “Heather,” began being mean and quite agressive towards me. i just shrugged it off cause I annoy people at times. As the day goes on, she gets meaner and meaner. When it was about 8 she began staring at my boobs, saying that they distract her from everything else, and asked if she could touch them. I said yes of course because, they’re just boobs.

We arrive at our destination and I have to go to the bathroom. As I’m coming out, Heather comes in and begins making out with me, we continue this until people began looking for us. We kept flirting and just kissing whenever possible. Soon, Heather decided that she was going to take a nap so we left her in her friends apartment as we went out for more fun, when we came back we all checked on her but when i came in the room she asked everyone to leave but me. Once the door was closed we started “touching and kissing.” After about 20 minutes, we were interrupted by her cousin saying that everyone wanted to go home. We went and thats when all of the real fun happened! I must say though, it did make for a kinda intense ride home lol. Oh well you only live once!

Only in College…

So I had just moved into my freshman dorm the day before and we had an orientation dance. My friend and I had hitten it off pretty well so we decided to pregame together. This meant drinking half a handle of Senor Jose himself in an hour or so. So we stumbled to the dance and started dancing with random girls. Because nobody knew anyone there, chicks were hooking up with anyone they wanted to.

I hooked up with three girls I was dancing with, then left to take more shots. This made me black out and I found myself in another dorm of the quad doing shots of vodka in the hallway. I walked down the hall and found this girl I had met earlier that day. She told me she was locked out so I told her we could hang out in my room. As we walked down the stairs, she told me she didnt want to have sex becuase she was still a virgin. Next thing I knew the two of us were ass naked in my bed. I didnt have a condom so I threw on a pair of mesh shorts and stumbled down the hall to find one. I walked into the room that now I best friends live in and got one.

So me and this girl proceeded to have sex and then passed out. We woke up the next morning and being the gentleman that I am, I walked her back to her room so she didnt have to do the walk of shame. As we were in her room I asked for my shirt back, and since she didnt have her bra on, I got to see one last glimpse of her tits before I left.

What a great way to start college and to celebrate my **th birthday.

Only in College…

College students generally aren’t known for their discerning taste in alcohol. In fact, most tend to gravitate toward the cheapest alcohol that will do the job. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be creative. Check out this list to find some of the most hilarious concoctions ever imbibed on a college campus.

Mixed Drinks

Whether made by the glass, pitcher, or trash can, you’ll at least get a smile from these creative recipes.

Brass Monkey: Drink your favorite 40 oz of malt liquor down to the top of the label, and fill the bottle with orange juice-you’ll have a highly alcoholic, and ridiculous mimosa.
Hop, Skip & Get Naked: Combine cheap gin, cheap beer, and pink lemonade-the lemonade hides the taste of the cheap gin and beer.
Bloody Beaver: This drink reads like a strawberry nightmare.
1a Special Surprise Party: If you’re brave, try this drink that combines Natty Light, Tang, and olives in a can.
151 Bananas: By no means does this drink taste good, or like bananas for that matter, but it will however get you drunk.
Alpine Lemonade: Full of vodka, gin, rum, lemonade and cranberry juice, this drink is great for a warm day of getting totally drunk.
Beergarita: Combine two drink favorites for a refreshing way to alcoholic bliss.
Screwed Hooker: The Screwed Hooker is a combination of a screwdriver and a cherry hooker.
Punch in the Head: 151 rum provides the punch in this drink.
T-Rex Piss: Nothing sounds good about this drink that combines one part tequila with one part Mello-Yellow.
Bloody Brain: Perfect for a Halloween-inspired party, the floater of Irish cream looks like a brain.
Red Eye: Although it sounds gross, the tomato juice and egg will have you up and at em.
Mind Eraser: If you’re drinking to forget, use this drink of vodka, kahlua, and tonic water.
Soylent Green: Vodka, curacao, and orange juice combine to make a green drink that definitely is not mild.
Captain Do: In Captain Do, you’ll find a spiced rum inside Mountain Dew.
Punches

These punches know how to please a crowd.

Jungle Juice: Add just about any cheap alcohol to juice, with optional cans of fruit, and you’ll have a cheap, tasty bucket of alcohol.
Grain Punch: In a new, washed garbage can, you’ll use grain alcohol, dry fruit punch, lots of fruit, and ice.
Sneaky Pete: This vodka based punch with ice cream on top will sneak up on you.
Flavored Jet Fuel: Combine assorted rum, gin, and vodka with your favorite wine cooler for a powerful punch.
Pink Panther: This mixture of Crystal Light and vodka makes a strong punch without a lot of alcohol taste.
Limoncillo: Not to be confused with Limoncello, this punch is made of Crystal Light and rum.
Skippies: Start a long night of partying by creating Skippies with ice, beer, lemonade, and strong vodka.
Trashcan Punch: Mix sliced fruit, fruit punch, and everclear to make a deadly punch.
Flaming Blow Job: This punch includes flaming whipped cream and mason jars.
College Hulk Punch: Become the Incredible Hulk with Bacardi 151, curacao, sweet and sour, and orange juice.
612 Delight: 612 Delight features vodka, Crystal Light, and Big Red.
Hunch Punch: Made in a very large cooler, with peach vodka, everclear, pineapple juice, sprite bottles, and Hawaiian punch, this drink is sure to have you hunched over.
Prepared Drinks

These drinks are ridiculous right off the shelf.

Steel Reserve: This malt liquor tastes terrible, but it packs 8.1% alcohol content into a usually dirt cheap 24 ounce can.
MD 20/20: A classic beverage, Mad Dog 20/20 will make you feel numb.
Thunderbird: Thunderbird’s makers have cut every possible production corner in order to make this drink as cheap as possible.
Old English 800: This malt liquor represents the ideal budget alcohol for college students.
Natural Light: Natty Light isn’t good, but it’s cheap.
Buckfast: Buckfast promises to get you “bucked up” fast, with a strong taste of molasses.
Night Train: Imagine your favorite bum wine, with Ny-Quil added. That’s Night Train.
Wild Irish Rose: Some believe that this wild wine is a conspiracy to kill the homeless.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: PBR is by no means worthy of its ribbon, but it provides a good buzz with nostalgia.
Boone’s Farm: This malt beverage product is fruity and fun.
Cisco: Cisco is often referred to as liquid crack.
Shots

Take on these shooters if you dare.

Buttery Nipple: Most people are familiar with this shot of butterscotch Schnapps and Irish cream.
Purple Hooter: This shooter features vodka, triple sec, chambord, and ice.
Monkey Brains: A shot of Irish cream and one of peach schnapps combined will quickly curdle and turn lumpy-you may have to chew your way out of this one.
The Ultimate Jell-o Shot: Great amounts of research have gone into this recipe.
Boilermaker: Drop a shot of whiskey into your beer, chug, and you’ve got a Boilermaker.
Alabama Slammer: Drink these, and you’ll be slammed in no time.
Snake Bite: This popular shot features a combination of whiskey and lime juice.
Red Death #2: If you want to get drunk fast, try this mixture of vodka, Southern Comfort, amaretto, sloe gin, triple sec, and orange juice poured into shot glasses.
Cement Mixer: This shot of Bailey’s combined with a shot of lime juice mixed in your mouth will make you feel like you’re swallowing cement.
Flaming Dr Pepper: This shot is set on fire, then dropped in a beer-and it tastes remarkably like Dr Pepper.
Duck Fart: Combine Kahlua, Irish cream, and Canadian whisky for this shot that tastes better than its name would imply.
Purple Passion: Vodka, triple sec, grape juice, and cranberry juice combine to make a passion inducing shot.

Only in College…